all the way (part 2)

When I returned home, I felt overwhelmed with excitement.
I was anxious to be home, in a familiar place, to make the most of every minute!
The heat, the salty air, good food... my family, my closest friends, my home.

But today, I feel again a sadness; a loss of my direction; a wandering, lost, child with all the question of her existence; an ocean of uncertainty.
I feel that perhaps it has been so long since I have been truly happy, I don't remember the feeling. I barely remembered the feeling of this place, at first.

I have been broken many times. I've come familiar with this feeling...
I looked into his (an old loves') face and saw a boy who didn't really know what he wanted. But he knew he didn't want me. He said the words "I don't love you".
Four words to break my heart, and more; "You're too deep, too strange".
Thus, breaking my self-image as well as my heart. I left that very night, taking a train to a city four hours away. I didn't speak to anyone about it, but if you looked into my face you could tell; The castle that I was had been broken, grinded to sand.

Months after, the most amazing thing happened. I looked at my life and saw how much it had changed. I saw the strings that had tied me like a puppet to my sorrow, to my struggle, and I saw how the painful snipping of these strings had set me free.
I thought of him again, and made a phone call. We spoke for a long time, and for the time I did not feel foolish or stupid, choked with emotion or timid with the feeling of him judging me. I did not feel him judging me, did not feel me caring if he did. I spoke to him as a friend; as a real person; as myself.
Because, shortly before, I came to realize that the honesty I had forced him to give me, the final dagger-to-my-heart I forced him to throw, was the blessing of my life.

I was free. Released of him.
And just as that sorrow existed only to release me to happiness, so will this sorrow fade, and I will take one step closer to the Joy I will, in one future moment, remember.